Article By: Michael Dresser
What if self-pleasure is actually the key to better sex? If you want to have better partner sex, it definitely pays to get better at solo sex first, and these essential tips can help you.
When you hear the words ‘masturbation techniques for men’ do your thoughts turn immediately to the penis?
Although your genitals are certainly not the be all and end all when it comes to self-pleasuring, one of my teachers Joseph Kramer (founder of Sexological Bodywork, and a pioneer of mindful masturbation practice) talks about how the penis is often the part of their body that men touch the most … but with the least amount of creativity.
So part of what I do is help guys expand the idea of what’s possible when it comes to masturbation.
In fact I prefer the term self-pleasure – after all that’s what it’s meant to be about, right?
Masturbation is something most men have been conditioned to do quickly and quietly, usually with only limited techniques, and with a very specific goal – to cum.
Added to this we tend to think of masturbation as being somehow second-best to partner sex.
I think that’s backwards!
What if self-pleasure was actually the key to good partner sex?
No matter how skilled or attentive your partner may be, they’re not a mind reader. If you don’t know what turns your own body on, how can you expect them to?
If you want to have better partner sex, it definitely pays to get better at solo sex first.
So to help you here are 5 of my essential masturbation (or self-pleasure) techniques for men:
Self-pleasuring should be all about… well, pleasure! If you visited a gourmet restaurant you wouldn’t gobble your way through the food at top speed, you’d want to give yourself time to savour the experience. Yet rushing is exactly what a lot of men do when it comes to visiting their own body erotically.
When you slow things down you notice more. And why would you not want to notice more about what turns your body on? Honestly, although it sounds pretty basic, slowing down is probably the most important tip I can give you when it comes to improving your experience of self-pleasure!
HOW TO DO IT: Try making a date with yourself – the same way you would with a loved one. Set aside at least an hour – maybe even more. Make sure you’re not going to be interrupted. Minimise distractions – turn off your devices, and alerts. Prepare your environment with things which help you feel relaxed and sexy. And when it comes to touching yourself try slowing that down too – give your skin time to feel sensation more fully.
A couple of hours may sound like a long time if your goal is to ejaculate as quick as possible… but what if you moved your goalposts? Most men have learned to think of ejaculation and orgasm as the same thing – but they’re actually two separate processes!
It’s possible to experience full body orgasms without ejaculating, and although that’s an art which can take some time and practice to perfect, it’s easy to extend your pleasure with a technique known as ‘edging’ – and the longer you extend, the more intense your orgasm will be.
HOW TO DO IT: Try stimulating yourself as close to the edge of ejaculation as you can get without actually shooting, then stop completely. Give yourself a short pause then slowly start stimulating yourself again, building the intensity until you reach the edge, and then stop again. Keep repeating this process as long as you want to!
If your current masturbation techniques focus almost entirely on your penis you’re not alone – most men pay very little attention to the rest of their body when it comes to pleasure. Which is a shame because you’ve got some great assets to help you have more enjoyment.
(It’s also worth emphasising that you don’t need to have a hard-on to experience a great deal of pleasure in your penis – it’s got one of the highest concentrations of nerve endings in your body, and they function just as well with or without an erection!)
HOW TO DO IT: Some of the classic erogenous zones include the ears, lips, neck, nipples, armpits, and inner thighs – do you know where yours are? Try stroking these areas lightly with your fingertips, or with something light, like a feather, or some silky fabric. If you have body hair try running your hands over it slowly with a barely-there touch.
You can also show some love to your penis by exploring beyond the head – your shaft, your balls, and your perineum (the bit between your balls and your buttocks) all have plenty of nerve endings to play with. And for those with a foreskin: it’s one of the most sensitive parts of your penis!
If you’re a cisgender (assigned male at birth) man you’ll probably have a prostate. It’s a personal favourite of mine, but it’s a part of the body that many men are unfamiliar with, or unsure about.
Sometimes referred to as the male ‘g-spot’ (or ‘p-spot’) it has the capacity, when stimulated, to create intensely pleasurable sensations quite unlike anything else. Once you make friends with your prostate it can be possible to experience intensely orgasmic body sensations, without ejaculating.
HOW TO DO IT: Use one finger to gently rub the outside of your anus until its relaxed enough to welcome your finger inside (using plenty of lube helps). Your prostate is located a few inches inside you, behind your penis – it usually feels like a walnut-sized lump, and you’ll know when you’ve found it by the sensations you feel when you touch it! Try stimulating it with a gentle ‘come-hither’ or circling motion, and build up the intensity of pleasure by increasing the speed and pressure.
The traditional male masturbation position tends to be locked in a seated, crunched pose (often in front of a computer). Which does your body no sexual favours because it compresses your abdomen and pelvis, restricting blood flow to your genitals!
If you want to feel more pleasure in your body you need to open up your body, and help it to move more. Changing the position in which you connect with your body also helps to move away from habits and patterns, which in turn help you notice and try new things, instead of just sticking with what’s familiar.
HOW TO DO IT: Try standing up! Notice what this does to your hips – you’ll probably experience a lot more freedom of movement, which in turn can help increase how sexy you feel. Also try lying down, which also allows for different kinds of whole-body movement in a more supported way. Stimulating your penis is another opportunity to change what you’re doing and experience new sensations: the simplest way is to use the hand you don’t normally use.
If you’d like me to help you build a more personalised connected self-pleasure practice, check out my coached Pleasure In YourSelf programme