Article written by Colin Richards of Intimacy Matters.
Watching the recent Mums Make Porn on Channel 5 highlights how what young people watch now is going a long way to influence them on how to have sex. Don’t get me wrong as a Sex Engineer porn has its benefits. It has helped bring sex to the forefront of society simply by the fact it can not be escaped, so now words like rimming, squirting, anal, blow job are firmly in the vocabulary of most people under the age of 70 years. Porn has to a degree normalised sex but the downside is that the more normal it becomes the more extreme the producers of porn strive to compete. This means that what was being viewed 10 years ago and seen then as extreme is now normal. We are now facing a situation where anyone born after 1990 has learned most of their sex education from the Internet. The sex education given at school is scarily naive.
Those born in 1990 are now nearing 30 and this generation and those who followed after will unless otherwise educated, base their sexual techniques on what they have watched Prn Hub or Red Tube and try to emulate what adult actors fabricate on set. Foreplay is non-existent, consent never discussed, not to mention the lack of intimacy and the pleasure of giving to one another can be. And of course, every sexual encounter has to end in penetration and is penetration focussed from the male perspective. Women are often portrayed as submissive with the males in charge. This is so not the case for the majority of men in real life but if porn implies that men must behave this way then that how they will behave.
This is not to say that earlier generations are any better. My formative years as a sexual teenager is the late 70’s and the sum total of my sex education was frogs in the biology class and my mother telling me one day ‘ you must be having sex because your neck is getting thicker’. I think that must go back to the 1930s and what she was told then! That was the only mention of sex either parent ever attempted. So for me, it was magazines and very soft porn videos or then called blue movies as the only reference to how to make love. Otherwise, it was simply trial and error. Fortunately, I was blessed with an empathetic nature so sex for me was always about giving pleasure so I did not get many complaints, or so I thought. In reality, I was a classic, what I describe below, slow lane driver. Always steady and reliable but not a wild drive. Looking back what I would have wanted was a ME. By that I mean someone to teach me about sex, sexuality and psychosexuality. How it all merges together. Someone to explain to me that everyone experiences sex in tier own way. That good sex is about communication, empathy, assertiveness, confidence and creativity. That it should be fun and frolicking, that it is healthy and not shameful. That it is NORMAL, even masturbation is NORMAL and that women enjoy sex just as men and that same-sex can be equally as fun too. That in fact most anything goes provided it’s consensual and not hurting anyone.
This is why I am passionate about teaching people how to have better sex. It destroys me every time I meet someone who says that their sex life is non-existent, scary, painful or god forbid boring.
Often when I am working with single women or couples who come to me telling me that their sex life is unfulfilling it becomes clear that the main reason for their dissatisfaction and lack of fulfilment is that the sex has become or has always been routine and unimaginative. Tempo, longevity, and creativity are paramount to having good sex and like driving a car we need to understand the vehicle we are in and have the confidence to drive it in a way that maximises the pleasure of the ride for both the driver and the passenger.
Before continuing with the car analogy lets look at what influences us to have sex in the way we do. How we relate to sex and intimacy, is very much dependent on what attitudes and education we have been exposed to when young and how sex is presented to us by our parents and teachers. Upbringing, culture, and belief systems go a long way to encourage or discourage our sexual awareness and confidence. If we do not receive adequate sex education either formally or through our own means then we can get left behind on the sexual journey. If we then meet a partner who is equally sexually restrained, then the joint adventure of experiencing together the exquisite pleasures of sexual intimacy remains elusive.
To compound the problem if one hears stories of other people’s conquests and sexual adventures. and they don’t compare to our own then this can further undermine the sexual confidence of the unsatisfied. Additionally, if we meet a partner who relates to sex in a fundamentally different way to us then the sexual dynamic can go into conflict with different sexual agendas battling it out leaving both unsatisfied.
Can’t orgasm, maybe this is why
For example, women who have difficulty reaching orgasm; men who feel shy and guilty about sex; women who feel ashamed or culturally bound to behave the ‘correct’ way; men who lack knowledge and experience or men who fear disapproval by getting it wrong. These are often the underlying reasons why a sexual relationship can turn sour. Usually, these dynamics are rooted in childhood psychology. I am not good enough; I am not liked; I need to be the best; I have difficulty trusting; I am ashamed; I feel guilty. To help overcome these feelings it is important that the partner you are with invests time and confidence in trying out different methods and energies when making love. The passive person should try to be more assertive, the overconfident person must learn to be more caring and other person focused. Ths shy person to explore, the nervous person to become more reckless.
Here are a couple of short stories to highlight one of the reasons why for some women, sex with some men can become mundane and unfulfilling.
Brad, who works in Canary Wharf as a hedge fund manager, simply loves the buzz of making money and the fast-paced self-indulgent lifestyle that it brings with it. Only one thing is dampening Brads happiness, and that is his inability to maintain a long-term relationship. Brad loves women; he loves sex, and nothing makes him more satisfied than giving women an orgasm. But little does Brad realise that it is how he has sex that is the main reason the long term relationship, marriage, and children he longs for to complete his self-vision, remains a fantasy. Like the way he drives his new primrose yellow Porsche Cayman sports car, Brad has sex. He hits the road, straight on to the M5 motorway, blasts down the fast lane and after 20 miles of high-speed racing turns to his female passenger and asks “ Wow did you enjoy that?” To finish his journey Brad then pulls off and takes her to enjoy a pint at HIS favourite pub “The Bull in Bush!” with his equally nonempathetic mates while she sits there sipping her glass of warm Cava that Brad graciously bought her and wondering if the journey was about her at all!
Now don’t get me wrong, fast cars, pints, and pubs are great but for Brad’s female passenger the novelty soon wears off. More than likely this is the way Brad will have sex, he has sex continually steaming away in 5th gear with little regard to his partner’s pleasure and only focussed on his achievements and pleasure. No wonder his partners soon hitch another ride with a more versatile considerate driver.
Simon, on the other hand, is Mr Sensible, he has trained long and hard and is soon to become a partner in the solicitors firm he works for. Simon has many friends and his weekends are often taken up inviting them around for a meal which he takes great care to prepare and execute. Simon is very proud of his Nissan Rogue. It sits in his driveway in Putney for most of the week and then on Saturday he religiously takes it out onto the M25 for a quick spin. It does not take long for Simon to get up to his top speed as he always remains within the speed limit and only goes for 2 junctions. He prides himself on his careful driving and so rarely finds he has to leave the slow lane. After his Saturday routine tour, Simon likes to return home to a regular Sunday roast. Sadly Simon is so sure his way is the best way that he never realises that his partner fantasises for the day when Simon takes them out in a British racing green Jaguar F-type to race down the M3, wind blowing in hair to end up at the most romantic beach on the south coast for Champagne and oysters to make wild passionate love.
Fortunately, there are not many Brads and Simons around. But many men will have shades of one or other of the characters. The ideal is that men embody a combination of the two. The Brads to become more other aware and Simons to become more bold and adventurous.
But we also have Gustav. Gustav came to me saying he wanted to learn how to become a better lover for his girlfriend. After 7 years together she had finally expressed to him her frustration in their sex life. On meeting Gustav I asked him directly what he wanted to achieve with this workshop. His reply revealed on the problem immediately. ” I want to learn three things that will always work with a woman”. Clearly, Gustav has no awareness of the complexity of female sexual psychology and physiology. Every woman is different not just in themselves but different every time they make love. What they want one day can be completely different from the next. Mood, temperament, time of the month, even down to what they may have eaten can determine what type of sex a woman wants at that particular moment. Gustav is what I term the Hard Shoulder Guy, this s the driver who sits on the hard shoulder reading the road map and who won’t drive on to the motorway until he is certain of what speed, the direction he needs to maintain to get to where he wants to go. These guys tend to work in quite intellectual mind based jobs, engineers, programmers, academics, scientists, statisticians. Gustav was an engineer and like all these types view the female body similar to a machine that when the right buttons are pressed will always respond the same way.
In fact, women like a bit of each type. Some days a fast fuck with an assertive man like Brad is exciting, other days the calm caring touch of Simon is wanted but then a bit of Gustav’s explorative nature can take a woman into new sexual territory that can also be exciting.
Whatever type a man is more like, by investing time in learning how to expand his skills as a lover, to adopt some of either Brad, Simons and Gustav’s positive characterises will make you and his sex life a much more exciting fulfilling journey. So, gentlemen, whether you are straight, gay or bisexual think about how you drive your car and what might your passenger’s experience be.